GET READY TO GET BONERS.
Think of the most embarrassed you’ve ever been for another person. Like when they got pantsed in class in the seventh grade, or got too drunk and pissed themselves in public, or let out a super awkward scream when you jumped out and scared them that one time. Okay, now take that embarrassment, multiply it by about 150-200 (depending on the number of people present), and that is what it is like to watch a bunch of white people at a Reggae show.
Well, at least that is what it is like until you realize that they are doing this completely voluntarily. Then all numbers go out the window, and you just start to feel a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Never before had I seen a jock-y, bro-y dude dance like Fred Durst to a dub reggae cover of Paranoid Android by Radiohead. It’s not really something you can un-see. Or the kid, no older than 17, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and rocking out, arms flailing, to a dub Pink Floyd cover. Again, not exactly something you can wipe from your memory bank.
But then, when the embarrassment subsides and you think about it, it’s funny. Like…really funny. Fucking hilarious in a way. It’s like a small part of you has died, but it died laughing. So, white kids, rage on. Rage on to the rasta beat spreadin da love troo dis worl’! Rage on until your mom comes to pick you up at no later than 11:30, because you have school tomorrow!
How badass is this guy? Look at him. Actually, “if self-preservation is an instinct you possess…” (to quote the man, himself) you’d better not. Knowing how badass this guy is, he’d probably start off by asking some witty variation of “The fuck are you looking at?” and then either make you dig a hole deep enough that he could legitimately justify killing you, or just make you feel so subordinate that you would walk home and do the deed yourself out of simultaneous feelings of uselessness and just feeling bad for wasting the man’s valuable time.
There are two different types of people that have a constant look of “What the hell are you talking about?” on their face. Most of the people who possess this look are, to put it plainly, dullards. They have this look because they are unable to process the conversation going on around them. A scant few people who maintain this look do so because they are so badass and superior to everything that is going on around them that they are not confused about what you’re talking about, but rather why you’re fucking dumb enough to be talking about it. Mr. Keitel is of the latter group. His badassmotherfuckerdom is practically unparallellable, and for that my hat goes off to him.
Ladies and gentlemen of the high-tippin’ variety, my hat is off to you in the most bonerific of ways. You make my job (something I’m in the process of writing a post about right now, actually) fun. One might even say you make it bonerific. Either way, you do a great job at keeping me fed, and for that you get a most bonerific of salutes. If you tip well and tell me that you’re a bartender also, I will try my damnedest to make it to your bar and blow my tip money on tipping you right the fuck back.
Long story short: You are saints, bonerific and holy. Keep up the good work, team, and come visit me at Cat’s Cradle.
Like, are you serious? How can this genre of music be so good? And where was I between the years of 2000 and 2006? I’ll tell you where I was: I was in the state of Denial, in a little town called Missinoutsville. I’ll admit it: During those years of my life, I thought metal was stupid. Straight-up. I’ll also admit that during those six years I was a fucking dweeb who didn’t know shit about fuck.
There aren’t a lot of genres of music that I’ve encountered that are as diverse as metal has become. You like Led Zeppelin? Check out Black Sabbath and Sleep. You like post-rock? Check out the Sunn O))) and Boris collaboration, Altar, or listen to some Om or something. You like punk rock? Check out Converge or Fall of Efrafa. You like classical music? Try some fuckin’ Giant on for size. You listen exclusively to Jack Johnson? You’re shit out of luck, because you are a dweeb, and you should probably try expanding your horizons even though you will probably fail.
None of this is to say that metal is for everyone. It’s not, and I fully understand that. However, it is to say that there are a lot of portals through which one can get into good metal, and I would argue that metal has definitely evolved into a genre that has just as much cred as any other musical genre on a legitimate artistic level. I know when I tell people I like metal they think I’m some slayer-jocking dweeb who carves “METALLICA FOREVER” under his desk and wishes he could wear face paint all the time. Whatever, I can live with that. If you’re gonna let that shit stop you from checking out some pretty bonerific jams, maybe it was meant to be.
Some of you creeps are going to think that I’m taking a way more literal approach to the term “bonerific” than I actually am. Not so, except when talking about coffee, good beer, or Daniel Day-Lewis. However, that’s somewhat beside the point. The point is that Degrassi, a Canadian TV show about a bunch of teenagers at a mythical high school in Canada where every dramatic experience a teen could ever go through presents itself, is fucking. awesome. Seriously, have you seen this show? It’s like JT decides he’s a super stud and gets the magnum condoms, but they’re too big and slip off while he’s doin’ the do with Liberty and she winds up pregnant AND THEN HE GETS FUCKING STABBED AND HE DIES but not before Rick comes to school with a gun, paralyzes Jimmy, and then fucking kills himself. And that’s only like…two things. Seriously. This show rules so hard.